Vacation? What Vacation?

Ahhh...fresh air and a week away from most responsibilities. Life moves just a bit slower in Northeastern Maine - or was I just feeling and seeing it because of my "vacationer" status?

Of course I came away with my "I gotta move there" mentality - like I do after just about every trip. At this point in my life, however, I recognize this escapist attitude and remember that wherever I go, I am still carrying most of the inescapable crap with me.

After a week off of work, one would expect to spend time catching up. I had no delusions of just stepping back into the routine without a good deal of scrambling to get back into the same tempo as my colleagues. What I did not expect, however, was that I would have staff calling in sick and/or coming in late so that it was Friday before I actually had the opportunity to do my own job. I can't be mad at people for getting sick or for them having obligations to care for their errant children, but the framework of our workplace often leaves me as the only pinch-hitter. I can only hope that this week will prove calmer - at work, anyway.

On a more personal note, I may very well have finally ended a relationship that hasn't been working for some time. I am indeed sad and have twinges (more like internal, bone-shaking earthquakes) of thinking we can make it work, but the very sad truth is that it is quite unlikely that we will be able to salvage it. My middle-of-the-night awakenings were not riddled with fear and sorrow (as they have been in the past when we've said "goodbye") but the alarm (and 4 or 5 subsequent snooze-button alerts) brought great sadness and regret. I cry as I type, sincerely wishing that she'd call and make the promises that have been missing all along - that I might become the center of her world as she'd become in mine. I have tried to learn how not to need things that I thought I needed...to no avail. I suppose I really do need those things and she is not the person able to offer them. I know enough intellectually not to judge her for this inability nor to feel unworthy of having such needs fulfilled - but emotionally I am incredibly hurt that I (we) have failed so thoroughly.

*update* Well, it seems we can't let go right now - and neither she nor I really want to - I really want it to work...wish us well.